The first few days at home

The first few days at home, you are soooooooo happy to be there.

• No more sterile hospital, with odd "old people" smelling bathrooms. 
• No more random visits by nurses, nurse assistants, etc at all hours of the night. 
• No more terrible hospital food. 
• No more lumpy couch to sleep on.

But then reality sets in, and you realize:

• No more nurse to change the diapers.
• Holy crap we run through diapers super fast!
• OH SH!T! What the hell is that in the diaper? Who do I ask?
• It is really hard to prepare a bottle/food/get water/use the bathroom/take a shower/try writing a blog to document all this, while holding an infant.

  When we first came home, it was a relief but we had (or so we thought) realistic expectations that there would be some adjustment period. Getting used to a schedule, division of tasks, what we can/cannot do, just to mention some things. As we set about like busy bees, Mars trying to produce milk to feed while simultaneously trying to recover from a marathon birthing session, we quickly realized there was a lot to do. First - ummm... fridge is empty. So grocery shopping was on the list. Second, there is this little event called night day reversal that some infants do. Third, we ended up having three pediatric visits the first week.

  No one told us about night day reversal. Sure parents told us "Get used to not sleeping", but we had (incorrectly) assumed that was due to the baby's feeding cycle. From the books and hospital pamphlets, we were to feed Kaycee every 2-3hrs for 8-12 sessions a day. Got it, no problem. But Kaycee started sleeping through the day and becoming very active at night, wanting us to stay up and hold her through the night. I don't believe either of us were ready for that, I guess that's why some parents have blackout curtains. Needless to say, the first three days, Mars averaged ~1hr/day of sleep, while I averaged ~3hrs (sometimes it's good not have mammary glands).
  After a few times, we got accustomed to the pattern of sleep-eat-burp-poop-repeat. That is until day two. Day two, she started crying every 40min-1hr. We went through the checklist (diaper? food? fever?) and found she was hungry. So she would breast feed for 15 minutes and fall back asleep. Diaper checks are like checking your oil, it's the only indication as to what's going on inside if you're not the doctor/mechanic. We checked, some black poop (normal), but no pee. This came up during our first pediatrician visit, as they regularly ask "How many BM/wet diapers in the last 24hrs?" (bm = bowel movement, not business management...context!). We explained, and it became related to the feeding. Feeding seemed difficult because milk production takes 3-4 days of stimulation to come in. This was tremendously frustrating, because the nurses and lactation consultants are all so pro-booby they don't recommend supplementing with formula at all. We didn't know better, this is our first time. They are the experts, aren't they?
  Our pediatrician straight out said, supplement with formula! Kaycee has been crying because she's been hungry for the last day or so. And the no wet diaper part? "Yes, this is dehydration. Her body weight has dropped 8% since birth, and her bilirubin levels are high and could indicate jaundice." W..T..F.. You can believe Mars and I were both angry, confused, frustrated, and demoralized. It was day two, and we felt like such bad parents already.
  We got home, immediately started her on some formula which she drank greedily. And slept. And smiled while sleeping. What a relief! Overnight, she started with 10mL and worked up to 30mL (~1oz) during her feedings. And a WET DIAPER! Hallelujah! We reported this on day three during our follow up appointment with the pediatrician, and she wanted another appointment three days later to monitor progress. We were very trepidacious about our visit, as Kaycee's health was at stake. We were tense, anxious, and stressed about it and about weaning off formula at a later time. Our fears were just that, anxiety fears. Her bilirubin numbers had come down, so further monitoring was not necessary. She had gained back four ounces, and up to 7 wet diapers and 9-10 poops per 24hr period. Right on track! There was some concern about weaning off formula, as each infant individual has their own preferences. How fast they like to drink (Kaycee still uses a slow-flow nipple), flavor (Kaycee looked like she experienced a sour lemon when given pre-made Enfamil newborn formula), and consistency (I've read there is a possibility of thickening milk with rice). Thankfully for us, Kaycee is pretty accommodating and accepts both Mars' breast milk and Enfamil powder formula.

  One other minor concern we had was Gunther's acceptance of Kaycee. While at the hospital, our friend had told us how someone had given away their cat for misbehaving when the family came home with a newborn infant. The cat was apparently being destructive and peeing in people's shoes. Our nurse, Halina, had also warned us about pet's acceptance. She instructed me to take Kaycee's first hat (the one she wore for the first day fresh out of the womb until first bath) home to Gunther and have him become adjusted. I did so that same night as I snuck home to feed Gunther and take a shower (see above bullet about shower smelling like old people), and Gunther was ok with the scent on the hat. He sniffed it, looked at it, and left it alone. Later, when I was grooming him I brought the hat up to him again. Again, he sniffed it and looked at it. Then he rubbed up against it. All was good. When we came home with Kaycee, Gunther was constantly underfoot. At first, we were concerned this might be some kind of contention for attention on his part. Once Kaycee began crying, we saw Gunther was not vying for attention, but trying to welcome and comfort Kaycee. During the infamous day two, Gunther stayed up with Kaycee and meowed with her cries. He would follow her which ever room we had her in, and stay close by.

The two of them sleeping.

A reflection on the first 9 months...

The 9 months of pregnancy are long and hard, but goes by quicker than you may believe.

The first trimester  During the first three months, guys may or may not even know what is going on. Women have signs that their bodies are changing, and they have women's intuition. Guys, being more obtuse, are unlikely to think anything is out of the ordinary, until they start seeing their lady getting more obtuse in the midsection. So unless the mom-to-be knocks him over the head and tells him straight out, he will be pretty clueless.

  Mars and I had discussed having a child, when we would do it, and things like that. I will have to admit, I was more along for the long arduous task of conceiving the child, than actually having one. I had heard from many people that it would take a long time to conceive, it would hard work, not to expect overnight success, give it time, don't have high expectations, enjoy it, etc. Due to this, my mindset was that of "this is going to be a while", but go ahead and have some fun. Well, the fun ended all too soon, and we conceived immediately. It happened so fast, we neglected to fully plan out financial and insurance aspects of having a child (although a setback, definitely not a deal-breaker).

The second trimester
  The next few months move along at a regular pace, but time may seem shorter because there's suddenly a list of lists to do. To-do lists for the house, to-do lists for insurance/LOA (leave of absence)/PTO (paid time off)/FMLA (family medical leave of absence), parenting books to read, baby items to buy, etc.

  For the house, we had to paint the room, setup the crib/bassinet, changing table, diaper organizer (IKEA bookcase), baby clothes, baby registry, and make space for baby things. This meant clearing out closets, clearing out storage bins, looking for things to baby-proof. While this was going on, we had doctor visits to the OB every two weeks which I unfortunately could not always make due to work. The one that I made sure I scheduled in was our 3D ultrasound. At this point, we were still less than 20 weeks along and did not know the sex of our baby. But a week or so prior to the ultrasound I had a very vivid dream one night that stuck with me. In the dream we were at some park or fair/festival/party, and I was holding this little girl's hand walking on the grass. She was wearing a denim jacket and jeans, maybe three years old. Her hair was shorter than shoulder length, berets holding it out of her face. She looked like me, but was much more tan. When I woke up, I was very excited to tell Mars, but I could tell she didn't believe me.

At this point, the ultrasound had informed we were having a girl! Time to do more shopping and tailor the registry for a girl. Mars was very happy and excited! I guess all mothers want a little daughter to pass their wisdom onto. Myself, I started shopping for a shotgun. Towards the end of the second trimester, Mars got busy transitioning her workload to her team. I was still bogged down with my crazy workload. And now the priority was our child. Regardless of all this, we had to remind ourselves to take a moment and step back. Remind ourselves of our life changing decisions and enjoy it. This is a perfect time to have a "baby-moon". Our baby-moon took us out of town for a weekend getaway. Initially our plan was to stay in San Luis Obispo or Pismo Beach, but our planning was last minute and we ended up in Paso Robles, which ended up being very nice. Paso Robles has become a more refined town with a plethora of local wineries doing very well. And where there are nice wineries, there is always good food :) Our hands down favorite brunch place became Panolivo, I highly suggest this location if driving through Paso Robles. Since it is a restaurant/catering/bakery, all baked goods are constantly fresh. We got to sample some deliciously smelling freshly baked rolls, just because we smelled them while walking through the restaurant. For our order, Mars had the Brioche French Toast, which retained a creamy custardy-ness at the center of thick cut brioche slices, while I had Breakfast Sandwich with the roasted potatoes. I mention the potatoes, because although everything was delicious, these were standouts. The potatoes are oven-roasted first with olive oil, salt, and pepper. After cooling, they are pan-fried with rosemary to order.

The third trimester
  The final trimester is almost like a cram session. Everything we put off until then, suddenly required immediate attention. There was a definite sense of urgency, as the baby could decide to come at any time after week 36. So time now is short and precious. Doctor visits become weekly, birthing classes take time, hospital registration, etc.
  The lists started getting ridiculous and overwhelming, so we started deciding on what was really a necessity and what was a nice-to-have item. Examples are now seemingly trivial things like... perhaps finalizing official documents by changing one's maiden name to the husband's last name, stroller decisions, baby-food machines and such. During this time, Mars was already on leave and everyday doing tons of stuff around the house to be ready. Everyday, I needed to knock something out to make forward progression as well. This was for my own sense of contribution, and also in part so that Mars would feel like I was involved and helping. It doesn't sound like much, but since this is a real pressure point and mom-to-be needs to feel like she is not alone. She needs to not only be told that she will be supported (important), but also shown that the she will be supported (very very important!). Let's not forget by this time, she was swollen. She wass carrying an additional 30+ lbs of baby and water weight. Her joints began hurting, her toes/in-step/ankles bloated like a Cabbage Patch Doll, her calves cramp, sleeping, walking, standing, sitting, bending, literally everything became painful. I've known pain like that, having debilitating back injuries from over-exertion and stupidity before in the past. Picture feeling that physical pain, and then coming to a realization that there will not be anyone to help. No ones coming. That dark loneliness... just the potential of that is enough to cause mental stress and anxiety. If I could prevent that by massaging her feet, well bring on the lotion! It's doing all the little little things that help her along that really add up, and I was glad to do it.

Introducing the New Adventures of Kaycee

Introducing the New Adventures of Kaycee!
  This is new since I (daddy) have not done an extensive googling of if there are any other previous Kaycees around with documented adventures. Like any narrative story, this is my perspective :)  

What's in a name?
   There have been numerous books published with baby names. There are countless websites with names, definitions, popularity, history, famous people. The United States Social Security office publishes a yearly trend of 10 most popular names. All this is available, and yet finding the right name has proved frustratingly difficult. Do we name after our mothers? Grandmothers? Find the naming trends there? Do we have preferences of names (either for or against) from our past experiences with people? Do we choose something different, just to be different? These are questions we inevitably came across and discuss at some given time over the last nine or so months. How then, do we make forward progress towards name selection?

 Attempt 1 Make a list!
   We both made a list of 5 or so names we each preferred. We each had two vetoes, each veto would eliminate a name from the list. This made 3+3=6 names to deliberate and compromise over. Seems pretty reasonable, doesn't it? Logical, in fact. You just could not fault the sensible nature of it. So of course it didn't work! And why not? Because a name given to a child is more than a word. It is the parents' representation of an identity label. It is the package of hopes for the future, struggle for adulthood, and pains of adolescence.  

Attempt 2 Bluff!
   I told Mars that my number one choice was... Gretchen. Roll it around, try it out. Chew on it. Still not liking it? Mars and her family did not either. Something about being too old of name. So I suggested something more classic, like Judith (Judy Garland). There was such an immediate backpedaling to Gretchen, I nearly had whiplash! In all honesty, while I do like the name Gretchen... it didn't have the right feel. I put it out there to bluff a bad case scenario.  

Attempt 3 Demonstrate the upper hand!
  I was lamenting of the name selection process, and garnering sympathy from other parents who have gone through similar exercises. One person gave me great advice... don't compromise. "If we don't have a name that I like..." well then it will be solely up to me. How is this possible? Why go through all of this hardship if the decision was solely mine? So this is the loophole that mothers everywhere do not want you to know... at the hospital, the paper works comes immediately after delivery. And...? And the delivering mothers typically pass out after delivery due either to exertion or drugs. So dads, you have sole control of what to fill out for NAME. I let Mars know this, she doubted me. Luckily for me, one of her best friends works NICU and my mother-in-law is a nurse. They corroborated my story, I could in fact fill out the paperwork while she was tired. (I've also heard stories where some more devious fathers would request outlandish requests at this time too, to take advantage of the delusional state.) Then she got really cranky with me. To take away her input in the naming of our child?! Did I dare? Well, no actually I didn't. But I wanted to have her understand that we needed to make a decision fairly quickly. (By week 39, Mars declared that we must quickly make a decision on names!).

  So how did we end up with Kaycee after all? It was all rather simple. I went for a run one Tuesday morning at 7am. The weather was nice, it was still late July and the morning did not quite have a chill yet. I was pushing myself to run the five mile loop at work. Music was playing in my headphones, my mind drifted off. And idea floated in... what if I combined our middle names? Kai Yau and Cecilia? How would that fit together? Kacelia, Celiyau, KaiCec.. Kaice... Kayce... Kaycee. There you go, simple as that. Five permutations, five miles, done deal. I went home, explained how I arrived at Kaycee, Mars was delighted, her family approved and the name stuck.